Nobody's HoloDiary
by Raving In The Rain
Summary: "I am no Jedi. I am no senator. But I am alive, and I do see the war. From the Clone Wars to the Galactic Empire, I have seen it. Though I am nobody still. You'd only hear the stories of the protectors, not the protected. But that's why I wanted send this message. I want someone to know what happened through the eyes of a simple, unspecial, little person from Coruscant."
1. Lightsaber Lost

**Entry I**

Today I saw a Jedi on the train. An actual Jedi! My friends at school wouldn't believe me- no way would a perfect, pristine Jedi be down here. Descending from the graces of their heaven above. But one did. A Togruta girl, maybe about my age. But way stronger.

At first I thought it was the Terrelian who was the Jedi since she was the one who carried a lightsaber. Trust me, they look way cool in person. But, anyways, this Terrelian Jango Jumper took two other passengers right from the seats in front of me. My heart was pounding. Like I knew was about to witness something bad.

I'd taken the train my whole life to get to school, but nothing like this had ever happened before. I mean, I knew lots of people who'd been mugged getting off, but never had someone been taken hostage like this!

The Jedi looked mad, hot in pursuit. I didn't think Jedi were supposed to look that way. I always thought of them as gracefully moving, untouchable, taciturn creatures. Almost like they were too saintly, too pure to touch. You could only see them. But that Togruta Jedi couldn't have been much older than myself. And… she was real. Flesh, blood, movement, even emotions. For a moment, it felt like she was just one of us. A regular person.

I remember back when I was little, I used to say I wanted to be a Jedi when I grew up. I think we all did at one point. My whole class did! We go through fazes; wanting to be a Jedi, wanting to be a racer, a pilot, even a clone trooper. It's so easy to believe in things like that when you're young. The galaxy is yours and it always seems new. It's safe and snug, full of dreams and all manners of life. You can be anything you want to be.

And then one day you can't.

One day you just grow up, and you don't realize that you have until you suddenly catch yourself using past-tense to describe your dreams.

You learn more about the war and then you find out that clones are bred, and you're not one of them. You see the dangers and the underbelly of being a racer, and you can't disappoint your parents. You hear about cargo ships being hit by smugglers or boarded by mercenaries, or they're caught in Separatist blockades, and you're suddenly scared to become a pilot. Fear suddenly means something to you. Like you're only now understanding that you are not invincible. You are no Jedi.

You don't feel the so-called force the way the Jedi do. You were not chosen. You are not sensitive enough or strong enough or gifted enough. Or whatever it is that makes a Jedi a Jedi.

You're not special enough to become a Jedi.

So you just… grow up unspecial. Normal. You stop believing in all the things that came so naturally to you as a kid. Mom says that's just how it is. When we're not force wielders or wealthy senators or even faraway royalty, we don't get to believe as much. That's a luxury we can't yet afford. We simply do what we have to in order to make it during these turbulent times. Maybe after the war we'll get to dream.

At any rate, I really didn't want this first entry to sound so grim. I'm not like that- really!

It's just… well… seeing that young Togruta Jedi today really made me think about things. Like, why is she _she_ and I'm just… me? Is it really fair? When the war is won and the galaxy is at peace, would you find her name listed among the heroes in our history lessons? Would you know her story and would you somehow care because you hear of her strength and her special-ness? Why not the stories of the people the war is allegedly fought "in the name of?"

We are just "the people." A conglomerate group of nameless stories. _She_ is special. And though I didn't get to learn her name on the train today after she saved the hostage and won her applause, I'm sure history will give her a name anyways. I'm sure I'll get to learn all about her in the future.

So I wanted to put this out there. Even if only a handful of people read this. I know I'm no war hero or senator. But I am alive and I am still a part of this war. I want to be special too. I want the galaxy to have some memory of me. So... here I am.


	2. The Zillo Beast

**Entry II**

I have no idea what's going on up there, but the sirens are blaring. They're frightening, singing bugles that can only mean one thing: that there's danger somewhere. The Chancellor has ordered a full emergency lockdown. He warns that for our safety, we should stay indoors. Find cover. Don't worry, he says. Our forces will handle the situation.

 _Don't worry._

I hate how composed he sounds on the hologram. As if the danger _ **-** whatever that even is **-**_ doesn't exist. Maybe he's not hearing the same blaring, foreign roars echoing between Coruscant's skyscrapers. Maybe he's not feeling the buildings quiver and shake the same way I am. I don't know. I understand that no matter the threat, he still has to sound like a chancellor, and that him panicking would only make _us_ panic more. I totally get that. But him simply and monotonously giving us safety instructions, with no details as to what we're even taking precautions for, is not really all that comforting. It just makes my mind wander more to all sorts of scary ideas.

Are we under attack? Did the Separatists finally come for our home? Is there a reactor leak? What's going on?

A large piece of debris just fell from the upper levels and has crashed onto my street. I hope no one was walking there. I hope all my neighbors are ok. Everything is shaking again. I can feel it. And when I look up from my bedroom window, I can see a type of light above us that I just know is not right. It's less like Coruscant's forever ambiance of glowing, ecumenopolis lights. And more like... a heathen light source. A fire. _Explosions._

I am so scared.

Just sitting here is maddening. I've followed all the safety instructions. I've made sure to lock myself up tight. I'm safe, I'm ok. Or at least I think I'm as safe as I can be on my own. But even scarier than the enormous growls rumbling from the upper levels and those beastly screeches, is the waiting. The wondering. I keep thinking about all those horrifying scenarios and worry about what will happen to me. To us. Is my home ok? Are my friends ok? Is my mom? She's supposed to be working late tonight, and I keep agonizing over this thought that debris could have hit her office. Whatever was making that noise could be heading her way. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do except to sit here and wait for the Chancellor to tell us it's all ok. If it ever will be.

What is going on?

* * *

 **Entry III** \- **The Update**

I'm ok. We're all ok. Mom, brother, me. We're fine. We made it through the night unscathed and the lockdown warnings have been lifted, although caution is still recommended with all the wreckage. Some places have been zoned off entirely because of the extent of damage. There's huge cracks and craters along the higher points of the city. A few bridges nearby have been completely smashed, and I heard that a few people were killed.

It was a thing called a Zillo Beast that apparently did all this. I'm still not entirely sure what that even is or how it got here, but that's what the news is blaming all this destruction on. This gargantuan beast had torn through the city and attacked the senate building, causing chaos everywhere it went. Its rampage finally ended when a group of Jedi and a bomb squad were called in. They killed it with toxic gas, and now clean up is the main priority.

It's dead and we're safe. The threat is gone, and now we must all get back to the day-to-day business. It almost feels unnatural. I've never been in a situation like that before, where I was so afraid and so unsure of the future. It almost feels wrong to let my guard down now and just move on.

Maybe that's how people on war-torn planets feel...?

I've seen a lot of strange things. I mean, seriously, I live in the Underworld. Strange is the norm. But an ancient, thought-to-be-extinct, giant monster attacking the city? That's something I never thought would happen. That's something that makes you wonder if things like that can happen again. If it's ok to forget about it and go about your day.

I feel... uncertain somehow.


	3. Trying To Be How It Used To Be

**Entry IV**

My mother and my aunt are downstairs arguing again. I think I can make out words like "taxes" and "war," but nothing else. I figure mom's just mad that our lights have been shut off. Rent has gone up again and mom is really struggling. Her job can't afford to give anyone a raise, and yet the price of, well, pretty much _everything_ seems to continue to rise with the casualties of this war. It just really sucks. For the amount of credits she's paying now for this place, we could have been living in a pre-war upper-level penthouse or something. But no. We're still here. In our little apartment tucked into the heart of the underworld. And now we don't even have lights.

I don't know what to do. I want to help my mother as much as I can. I've even applied to several jobs around here; places that are close so I don't have to pay for a transport or bother mom. But so far I haven't heard back from any of them. And I know it's because most of them have fallen back onto the black market. Things are getting tight all over.

The war has been everywhere recently. Like you can't sit at the diner or take the train without someone moaning about how the war has come down on them. A lot of people seem to have lost their lights, I guess.

But I'd rather not talk about grim things like that anymore. Mom's doing enough of that for everyone downstairs, and honestly it makes me a bit sick to think about it. I'm all kinds of confused about what role I'm supposed to play in the galaxy now. Just last year I was your average teenager. I went to school, I hung out with my friends, I pretended like I could make it out of the slums. War and battle droids and planet takeovers were the last things on my mind. But now I'm told I'm supposed to think about the war more. I'm supposed to let it in and feel bad about it. I'm supposed to have a political opinion about everything. But... I really feel like I just don't know anything at all. I don't know what I'm supposed to be.

I want to go back to the way things were before. I want to pretend everything is lighter again.

So, in other news, back in simpleton-school-girl-warless-world, I thought I'd let you know that there's a new student in my class. His name is Bis Presu, and he is _so_ unbelievably cute. I never thought I'd be into Twi'lek guys, but that totally changed the moment he walked in the classroom. Tall, muscular, light green skin, golden brown eyes, and _ **-** ugh **-**_ do I even have to mention the lekku tattoos or the scars on his face? Total rebel. Oh my gosh. Please, someone save me from embarrassing myself, because you and I both know that's bound to happen.

He got a seat in the row beside me and I really, really, really want to say something to him. He hasn't spoken a word to anyone at school, but I want to be the one that makes him talk. Kind of like in those romantic holodramas, you know? It will be like fate. A sign that we're obviously meant to hook up. That is, if Rema doesn't get in the way again. You know she'll try! Just as she always does! Rema Salis can't let me have anything, and that's a fact. She even took my date for last year's dance.

Oh, but not this time. There's no way in Malachor I'm going to let her have another one of my moments.

I have decided that tomorrow, I'm going to try and talk to him. Even if it's just a simple hello and wave. As long as I make tiny efforts day by day, I'm sure I'll eventually get him to smile back.

Wish me luck.


	4. Heroes On Both Sides

**A/N:**

 _Thank you so much, PhantomKelpieWolf014 and Apples Who Dance With Oranges_ (nice username by the way, _) for your reviews. They are really encouraging and definitely put a smile on my face. Thanks!_

~ Raving In The Rain

* * *

 **Entry V**

Mom has never really been one for politics. At least she's never brought it home, that is. But, I mean, why would she though? It was all fancy talk strung together by fancy people in the fancy upper levels of Coruscant. Nothing that ever really applies to us mere bottom-dwellers. It seems to me like laws and their perky sense of morality take a while longer to sink down here. I mean, you hear the Underworld police and the sirens passing by our apartment all the time. Someone's always breaking the law somewhere I suppose. Honestly, I don't know what home would sound like without them. Or if I could even call a quiet place without them a home.

But anyways.

Tonight my mom has suddenly transformed into a decorated war general with several standard years of experience. She stationed herself in the kitchen as if the counter were the command bridge of a Jedi Cruiser and the living room was her overlook of some far off, violent battle. I wouldn't mess with her on any regular day, but most definitely not tonight. This act is all because of the news she'd seen on the way home about the vote to send more troops.

She thinks, "Absolutely! Of course! Make more clones. If we haven't won the war, we need more clones! That Amidala Senator doesn't know what she's talking about."

It's weird how mom says the word " _We_." Like we're patriotic now. That the idea of us **-** The Republic, Coruscant, home, whatever _us_ is **-** losing anything at all is just unforgivable. Diplomacy just wouldn't be good enough. It's not the same as victory, nor as cool or as empowering, I guess. Whatever the case, if fear of defeat can make _us_ all patriots and politicians, I wonder what victory might do to our heads.

I'm not so sure myself though about the vote. To be honest, I don't know that much about the war at all. We'll talk about it briefly in class. Last week I did an assignment on the Battle of Christophsis and finally got a message back from my clone _pen-pal_ ; I say that in the loosest of terms. Really that's as far as my political credentials extend.

Should we commission more clones, though? I don't know. I guess it wouldn't be a terrible idea. It'd mean more support for our troops already fighting out there. It'd mean we could win more systems, take more ground, hold off more droids. But I can also see how that might stir up more of an arms race too. Would that mean we would have to pay more taxes? Senator Amidala seems to think so, but I'm no banker or mathematician. If that _is_ the case, then there is no reason for my mom to support the bill to send more troops. She _just_ got done complaining about the spike in rent and fuel.

But... maybe that doesn't matter to her. Even if _we_ are bankrupt and destitute, at least we'd be the victors of war. We'd be on the winning team, which somehow makes it all better. _We_ are better. Important.

Ugh. This is all so confusing and frustrating. Is there even a right decision to make?

I could never be a senator. That I know for sure. Like, I couldn't even decide what outfit I wanted to wear this morning or what I wanted for breakfast. Imagine me trying to decide outfits for everyone in the Republic? _Or make war plans that decide the fate of the Galaxy?_ No, thanks. I'll pass.

Because if something goes down and it _isn't_ the enemies' surrender, then everyone will be looking to you. This is somehow your fault. You promised them change, or peace, or victory, or whatever, and it didn't happen? Mother of Kwath. Suddenly you're in the whole Galaxy's derision, and that's some serious Bantha fodder. And it's not really fair either. Senators do have a lot of responsibilities. True. It's their ideals, policies, and sometimes opinions that can make way for change. But those alone can not win a war, especially when it seems the enemy has no intentions of cooperating either.

I guess I just really applaud that Senator Amidala lady. She's brave. _Very_ brave. And hearing her stand so firmly and speak her mind is something I can't help but envy. If anything, it's just so encouraging. Not just in that it makes me feel like the Clone Wars could actually find a peaceful end, but also that I could be that eloquent or brave or strong as well. Everything I'm presently not.

I don't think you should base your vote simply on the charm and charisma of a representative, but I would. Because she's the only one I know of that seems genuine. Untouched by corruption and lies.

Maybe one day I'll get to be like her.


	5. No War Like Home

**Entry V**

Forgive me. I would have made other entries, but the central power distribution grid on Level 5000 was demolished. It was... some kind of terror attack. _On central Coruscant, no less_! I... didn't think it was possible, but of course, the universe never misses the chance to prove me wrong. _Ever._ The Separatists managed this all, which of course lead to the corrosion of the peace negotiations I was once hopeful for.

Again... the universe is compelled to prove me wrong.

 _"It was a trap they made for us. They extended their hand in peace so that we'd open our arms... and they'd destroy us."_

It's taken a while for us down here to get any power back. Of course, those pretty people above have had theirs back for a few days. Like I said before, they're much more important up there where the sun shines. Meanwhile, my family and I have been living off of the backup power generators, which we're only allowed to use for the HoloNet and necessities.

So, sorry about that.

On the plus side, though, I can't say anything really extraordinary has happened to me these past few days. Or, perhaps, ever in my life. So you haven't missed much other than what you can find on the HoloNet. Sometimes I kind of feel bad that I have nothing to say for myself. Other people are out there recording their war stories or epic journeys or discoveries. And meanwhile all I can tell you is that I finally said hello to the cute boy in class.

 _Bis Presu_. Remember him? Super handsome, tattooed, quiet Twi'lek student who just moved to Coruscant? Yeah. Him. I finally said hi. And, needless to say, it was a failure of an expedition. He probably hates me.

Other than that, school's just been school. A few of my classmates are still a bit shaken from the attack on the power grid. I know some people who refuse to send their kids back to school until the Chancellor can promise things like this won't happen again. I'm sure they're just concerned, and they have every reason to be, but I still can't help but shake my head. We're at war now. Not even the Chancellor can make a promise like that.

It was Bis's reaction that's been on my mind the most, though. I wasn't expecting utter chaos and mass hysteria, but I get that's it's perfectly natural to feel angry or confused after all this. I know I do. I still can't help but feel like a fool for falling into those peace talk ideas or thinking I'd vote against more clones. I feel like **I** was attacked by the Separatists. But Bis just sat at his desk like it was another day at school. He stared down at his Datapad all day long and ignored the rest of the world.

I was worried about him, so... that's when I decided to say hi. Horrible timing, absolutely. I know that. I just... wanted to know if he was doing ok. But the only hint the I got that he had even heard me was a quick flash of his eyes. He looked like he wanted me to melt away, and his eyes had the powers to do just that.

I turned away and sat back at my desk. Alone. And haven't tried to talk to him since.

Stupid, right?

School's somewhat back to normal now, though. Minus the tension I think is hovering between my desk and Bis's. I don't know if it'll ever go away or if I just have to sit there and deal with it until graduation. Which, by the way, is getting closer and closer. I can not wait to get out of this place. I can wait to leave those cruddy walls, those prison-meal lunches, that bratty Rema, all of that behind. Especially all the homework and those stupid, stupid, stupid class projects we have to do.

Like our clone projects. It's the worst! And just like Senator Amidala's push for peace, I thought it was a wonderful idea at first. Of course, until again, the universe decided it wasn't going to let me have that either, and the whole thing blew up in my face today.

You see, my clone died today. Not _my_ clone ** _-_ ** that'd be super weird ** _-_** but the clone trooper I'd been sending messages to for the class project. The idea is that we're supposed to "feel closer" to the war. Understand it. As if the terror attack on the power grid didn't feel homey enough. But, honestly, I think we're all just in it for a grade. I know that sounds bad. But I don't know how to _make_ myself feel anything **-** let alone like I'm _closer_ to the war. That's all it is to us. A grade. Something we can see on the HoleNet and then shut it off.

But maybe that's what the project's really about it. So we don't just "shut it off."

The clones don't always get to message you back. When they go from battle field to battle field, system to system, it must be hard to find time to reply back to a mere little nobody student who doesn't have much to say anyways. So when I didn't hear back from CT-2988, "Straight" as he was also known, I didn't think much of it at first. Several rotations could go by without a word from him sometimes, and that was completely normal. It was to be expected. They're busy.

Or... they're dead.

The headmaster believes what we're doing is a positive experience for everyone involved. We get to learn about the events shaping our lives, meet those fighting for our safety, and they get to meet someone who isn't giving them orders or dying beside them. Someone to talk to if they ever get a break from fighting.

I think it's weird.

Still, in the back of my mind, my clone trooper has been haunting me since I learned of his fate in class this morning. I won't say I'm heartbroken, but I can't shake off this ghost. Just the idea that one less life exists in this galaxy **-** a life that I had, even in the smallest of ways, something to do with- **...** it's somewhat scary. And then I feel even worse for using him as my grade. I feel even more confused, even more angry, that I can't make myself mourn him. I _should_ be able to feel more for him. I'm not that heartless, am I? He fought and he died for The Republic. Which, I guess, even though the word "Republic" never really impassioned me with fiery patriotism, it meant something to him. And it means, in some way, he fought for _me._

Just like how the Separatist attack felt like an attack on me. The decisions made up there by people I will never know, the battles fought across the galaxy, every one of them affects me and my neighbors and my mom and Bis. All of us.

I hate this assignment. It's stupid. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Now there's only six people left in class with clones to talk to. Six out of thirty.

 _I hate it._

CT-2988. Went by the name "Straight," because his comrades could never get him to fly in that direction. He was a pilot. He was a soldier. And he died en route to Felucia, breaking through Separatist forces.

A number in life, a grade in death.

I hate this project.


End file.
